A reflection on attending a Drama School as a Care Experienced Person
This is an edited version of my final essay submitted- it's rough, a little bit personal and isn't nearly enough words to explain my full experience at Central but it’s a start.
I’d like to give a CW for all care experinced people on the topic of care & trauma.
If your non-care experinced I recommed reading this, and then heading over to https://reclaimcare.wixsite.com/reclaimcare/allies
I spent from the ages of 9–16 in foster care in a small village all the way down in Southampton. I was isolated and alone from the place I’d grew up in, and away from my family, friends and everything I had loved. I’d like to say I was and felt safe but this would be a lie and far from the accuracy of my time in care.
However, I did find a love for theatre at 13 and started to attend a local youth theatre and I enjoyed the freedom that came with performing (something I was missing deeply as a child in care) This love for theatre followed me after I left my foster placement and moved up to the North of England where I decided I wanted to do more with this love (other than attending any and every show I could get my hands on) and make a change in not only the world but the care system most importantly.
The very first piece of what could be seen as “Applied Theatre” that I was a part of was with a company called Inspired Youth on a piece of work known as Music 4 Care.
Music 4 Care was and is a piece of music written with 17 other care experienced (One of them being my oldest brother) in reflection and response to our time within the UK care system. Music 4 Care was the very first time I’d spoken out so vocally about my time in care and the impact it had on me. It sparked something that was already there and I just needed to run with that feeling and spark.
This spark led me to apply to study Drama, applied theatre and Education at Central, I wanted to change the world, but I wasn’t sure how, and I felt at the time Central would help me find out how to do that. The frank of the matter is it didn’t, if anything it pushed even more of a reason for me to go into the area of work, I’m in now, and what I plan to do post graduating. My time in Central is possibly the most excluded yet seen I’ve ever felt as care experienced person. I didn’t fit in with most of my peer’s experiences of life/time before arriving here, but I also didn't fit in, in the school
In my very first term of Central, we had a single lesson on “working with care experienced people”. It was in this very first lecturer I experienced the same stereotypes and narratives I’d experienced my whole life- not by my lecturer, but by the people I was on the exact same course with. The people I’d worked equally as hard to be in the same room as, were the same people saying care experienced people were like Tracy Beaker, Criminals and that they never succeed in life. I was pre-warned by my lecturer that this could and will happen, but I never expected it to be that difficult or extreme.
This was the first time in a few years that I was hesitant and ashamed of mentioning this huge part of my identity in a space. I didn’t discuss or mention to any of my peers for the rest of my first year that I was care experienced and excluded myself from engaging in anything that made this huge part of identity known to anyone outside of a close circle of friends. For the first seven months of my time at central, I felt the exact same as I did growing up in care. Excluded, ashamed and completely isolated from the world due to something completely out of my control.
After this unit care experienced people were never brought up again in modules/units unless it was to do with topics such as abuse, trauma or a visiting lecturer who “worked” with care experienced people- writing a book about a community of people you’ve never directly interacted or worked with does not make you an expert on us. Never anything positive about some of the amazing care experienced lecturers, practitioners and academics out there, or projects that care experienced people were creating. This was until the third term of the second year.
The third term unit for my second year was introduced to us at the end of the last term Collaborative Outreach Project
“Within this unit, students will undertake a group based collaborative outreach project working with a host/host organisation:
In this introduction, we were giving an overview of projects that we could be involved in for the unit and how we would be engaging with the project to create work. In total, they were 15 projects for us to “pick from” all ranging from working abroad to working with local primary schools, but the one that stood out to me most was the project working with care experienced young people
“This project takes place in
with Care Experienced young people
from across the city. The
project offers workshops to
build forum theatre films to
educate social workers on best
practice when working with
care experienced young
people”
I was so excited to see a project working with care experienced people and submitted the form saying this is exactly what I want to do and plan to do after central-Who better to work with other care experienced people on something like this, than someone whose care experienced? As someone who is care experienced and worked on projects like this in the past, I know from personal experience that we engage better when it's being delivered by someone who is also care experienced. We have a shared connection and a mutual understanding of each other. We don’t need to explain our trauma to get each other, whereas with non-cep you do.
But I wasn’t placed on this project, I was placed on my 7th choice. In a project that I wasn’t interested in or wanted to develop skills in for after central. Which again felt that felt like a complete step back in what I wanted to do as a carer and a way for my identity to be even more hidden. Especially as in my choice I stated I was care experienced, and felt having me on this project would more greatly add to it.
I never asked why I wasn’t placed in the Manchester project. I can imagine if I did it would be because “I was too close to the work” which is something only I have the power to decide.
Due to the project I was placed on, I felt that this unit didn’t add or further, any of my ongoing practise or work that I want to do outside central, it felt like a filler unit in something I had no passion for outside of Central. Which isn’t something I expected to feel like in my second graded unit, in the middle of a pandemic. I wanted to work with care experienced people, but I wasn’t given the opportunity to do that. It again felt like my identity and choices to do this being hidden and taken away from me. Especially given I was one of the few care experienced people in the whole of the school who was outspoken about being care experienced to the staff members.
I remember looking at the group of people working with the care experienced young people in Manchester and seeing a section of non-care experienced, people with no previous experience, knowledge or understanding of care, or let alone the care system and thinking “why have they chosen to place these students with care experienced young people?” As a care experienced person, myself, I wouldn’t have engaged with a group of people who had only done a single lesson on the care system, and the experience of what’s it like to grow up and live in that system.
As I stated previously the only “unit” we had done on care experience was in the first year of my degree for a 3-hour lecturer. So, this selection of non-care experienced people was chosen to work with a group of people they had done a 3-hour lesson on, and the very brief optional “masterclass”
To have a selection of non-care experienced to go and work with a group of care experienced people- when there is care experienced people wanting to work with them- is tokenistic, wrong and is something care experienced often face in our lives, people who have no experience of our lives coming wanting to work us but having no a clue of the impact that our experiences have had on us. It makes us feel like charity cases. It often reminds me that I'm stuck being care experienced, and the non-care experienced people who come in to do a “fun” workshop with me gets to leave this care experience behind them after running a two-hour workshop.
Not to mention how incredibly re-traumatising it is having to explain to people what it’s like to grow up in care, and while I wasn’t in this project, I can imagine this exactly what they had to do, as we always do when working with non-care experienced people, especially those are completely un-educated in care, the care system or those experiencing it.
It was after this unit that I felt like I wasn’t giving any opportunity to explore and further the work I wanted to do, I decided I was no longer going to involve Central in any of my workaround care experienced people, and this is something I would need to achieve and go into myself without the support of the school. Therefore I decided to develop and explore not only my care experienced identity and work outside of the course. This, when I began my work with Action for children, Coram Voice and Reclaim Care, along with my dissertation and student-led project at the same time.
My dissertation was something I struggled with, writing 10,000 words in the middle of a pandemic was always going to be difficult, but to focus on something so personal in an institution I felt so excluded at just aided in my struggle. Admittingly my topic for my dissertation changed a couple of times, I originally wanted to focus on the representation of care as a whole, but found this was too wide of a topic, that I needed more than 10,000 words to write about it. I then started to explore just writing about the narratives of care itself but like beforehand I needed more words, time and energy to cover this. It wasn’t until I saw the topic of Tracy Beaker circle around social media, had discussions with other care experienced people I landed on my final dissertation topic:
Tracy Beaker made me want to grow up in care”
How the representation of care & care experienced people in Tracy Beaker impacts care experienced people.
Partially it was due to the above reason that I went with this topic, but also due to my experiences of growing up as a care experienced person, it felt so important to talk to about the impact this show has on care experienced people.
It wasn’t a dissertation where I spoke about the show, and how it could be better but a report on exactly what impact the show Tracy Beaker has on care experienced people. I felt it wasn’t up to me as a care experienced person, to tell them how to do better. But to show them exactly how doing it so wrong harms us. I wanted to hold them accountable and show why shows like Tracy Beaker- and so many others- shouldn’t exist without care experienced people writing them or at the very least be involved.
It’s with this mentally I landed on my idea for my Student-Led Project, Us To You. A piece of spoken word created in collaboration with 2 other care experienced people, in response to non-care experienced people.
But this again came with its own struggles at first. In a session where I needed to share my idea a group of non-care experienced people stated they were planning on creating a piece of work around care, and care experienced people. The tutor running the unit loved what they were planning and when I spoke about my idea they said I should speak to them about my project and share ideas. I’d be lying if I said this didn’t upset me. It felt exactly like the end of the second year all over again, where my identity and community were going to be spoken about and explored by a group of people who had never experienced that identity and community - It wasn’t until I approached them a few weeks later on allyship work with care experienced people, I found out their ethics for their planned project wasn’t approved and they were told change their topic.
This is why I decided to create Us to You. It was something that not only I as a care experienced person was frustrated with but also other care experienced people I’d spoken to were equally as frustrated with. I think a lot of non-care experienced people (especially those in higher education) see us a voiceless people, who they need to “engage” and “help” but they forget that we have our own voices and we can use them to tell our own stories. We don’t need non-care experienced people to do this.
This is what I wanted to showcase and felt the best way to go about this was by using our own voices in a piece of work. But I don’t want to focus on the process of my project Us to You. I’d like to focus on the process that I did apply wasn’t something I developed at Central, but it was due to Central I had to develop such a caring and slow process. This was to firstly prevent myself from further harm, but also my participants. I didn’t want to invite them into a space that I was already feeling excluded from.
I did however spend a great deal of time prior to starting the development of Us to You researching trauma, and how to work with people who have experienced trauma- this isn’t something Central teaches you. This shocks me for a course that encourages us to work with so many vulnerable people. This is something I’m still educating myself on and will continue to do so when I graduate, and process into my career.
Despite often finding myself excluded, or in a vulnerable position while studying at Central I did receive a great deal of support from the single member of participants who would often check in with me weekly, wish me Merry Christmas or just have a natter with me for a few minutes. Which is something I'm unbelievably grateful for, and I don't think I would have made it to the end of my degree (which hurrah I’ve somehow managed to do) without this support. This is something so many care experienced people in higher education miss out on.
But even with that support I still felt excluded and felt much like an imposter during my time at the School. At the lies with the responsibility of the School, the staff members on all the courses and my non-care experienced peers.
I don't regret attending Central as I wholeheartedly believe its given me training that I wouldn't have received elsewhere, but the fact that training came at the expense of my care experienced identity and my mental health I do regret.
Moving forward:
My next steps and I guess moving forward from Central is something I’m excited about. I truly believe the power I hold is only just starting to come forward and appear and will only keep getting stronger. I’m currently working on furthering my work with the collective Reclaim Care and how to capture the power care experienced hold using art. I’d like to explore using theatre as a tool for us to push for change in the system, with a key focus on the ongoing care review, and how the findings within that can be shown through theatre.
However, I’m most looking forward to developing my skills in participation, being trauma-informed and politics. I’m currently looking at applying to do a master’s in politics so I’m able to take my creative skill set, and knowledge of politics to push for even more change in the care system, but also to help other care experienced people.
If you are care experienced need support and/or want to connect with other care experienced people visit: https://reclaimcare.wixsite.com/reclaimcare/support
A good place to start in educating yourself about care experienced people if you arent care experienced https://reclaimcare.wixsite.com/reclaimcare/
If you'd like to start your journey in learning how to be trauma-informed and what that means a good place to begin: https://www.lisacherry.co.uk/trauma-informed-practices-2021-where-next/